Living under our sense of security, is very uncommon to loose some of what we handle, even if is taking us apart from what we want in life. Acting the society rules we usually follow, we know deep inside if we are going our way or the people’s way, but the decision of letting go what we have, what we have achieved, to follow some odd idea that seems crazy to the people around us, it’s sentenced to death even before the first thought.
From other very known book, I read that the world conspires in favor of those who follow their dreams, meaning that although we can not guarantee from the beginning that everything it’s going to be as great as we would like, if we take those hard and crazy decisions following our hearts instead of our minds, things begin to happen, helping our dreams to be achieved. It’s like jumping into the darkness without knowing what’s down there, but hoping the best.
Well, for me, it was time to make one of those steps. After my life was on track again, I was happy, felt satisfied but needed a change. I wanted time for me outside the city routine, wanted to see everything as new, wanted to be curious about people, traditions, places, food, language, wanted to recover time lost and enjoy small but rewarding pleasures, I wanted to discover again all the things I knew. So I decided to move to another country. My choice? China.
To move to China would be like being born again. Everything new, I would have to learn everything, beginning with Chinese, traditions, food, religion and so on. I wanted a change and this would make it. So, instead of just planning as I did before, I made all the arrangements for the move. University, visa, explored job options, travel locations, everything was set. But suddenly the plan changed.
A great opportunity appeared, and my almost sure trip to China changed for Brazil. An incredible opportunity impossible to reject, if I had asked for that option, would have been very difficult to get it, but then I remembered what the book said, and I understood. I wanted a change, I took the decision, made the step, and the world conspired to help me achieve what I wanted. Maybe China wasn’t the best option, or maybe isn’t the best option right now, but instead of letting my life go to the drift, I jumped and as I’m falling, I’m realizing the dark place wasn’t so bad. Maybe there’s something I must learn in Brazil, maybe there’s someone I should meet, or maybe I have to live something there to prepare for the future. As far as I know, everything happens for a reason, and what happens is the best thing for me.
martes, 16 de septiembre de 2008
jueves, 4 de septiembre de 2008
Releasing ballast
Before the heart attack, I read a lot of books that stated that people should live the present instead of past or future. I understood the concept but in our daily race is difficult to forget about everything that happened and might impact our future, the image people has from us, the consequences past acts might have, and our future too: meetings, tasks, challenges, and so on. In that time, the carpe diem motto sounded like a reason for laziness to me. As we live with the confidence of the average life of 70+ years, we are worried mainly about setting everything for a better future.
After realizing that most of our worries are about things we cannot anticipate or things we can plan but we cannot guarantee, and that those worries destroy any hint of tranquility we could enjoy, in my search for internal happiness I decided to apply all that theory and cliché phrases and live the day without worrying unnecessarily. This helped me to get a more relaxed perception of things. I finally understood that many of our torturing thoughts are out of our control and we should do everything in our hands to achieve the desired result, but loose the day and night worries.
The process surprised many friends and peers who knew me as someone who had everything planned, and the idea even seemed like lack of interest in people and things. When my girlfriend argues because in some months we’ll be separated and my answer is “don’t worry, we are together right now and that’s what matters” my love for her might be at stake from her point of view, but inside, I know many things can happen in that time, and that by worrying, I cannot change what happens or I cannot extend time. I just enjoy the day with her, and when the time comes I will confront the situation. But imagine being sad for months and at the end the visa isn’t approved. That’s too much free worries, and if you add work issues, family issues, money, even holiday destination becomes a problem; you might be charged full with no reason worries.
The road to happiness is long and full of obstacles, but a lot of our main reasons for bitterness and preoccupations, come from our minds. It’s easier and better to walk that road light, free of useless weight, and thinking a lot about the future doesn’t allow us to enjoy the things and moments we have in the present. This is one of the ballast we can liberate from, throw it away and enjoy what you have in front for a change.
After realizing that most of our worries are about things we cannot anticipate or things we can plan but we cannot guarantee, and that those worries destroy any hint of tranquility we could enjoy, in my search for internal happiness I decided to apply all that theory and cliché phrases and live the day without worrying unnecessarily. This helped me to get a more relaxed perception of things. I finally understood that many of our torturing thoughts are out of our control and we should do everything in our hands to achieve the desired result, but loose the day and night worries.
The process surprised many friends and peers who knew me as someone who had everything planned, and the idea even seemed like lack of interest in people and things. When my girlfriend argues because in some months we’ll be separated and my answer is “don’t worry, we are together right now and that’s what matters” my love for her might be at stake from her point of view, but inside, I know many things can happen in that time, and that by worrying, I cannot change what happens or I cannot extend time. I just enjoy the day with her, and when the time comes I will confront the situation. But imagine being sad for months and at the end the visa isn’t approved. That’s too much free worries, and if you add work issues, family issues, money, even holiday destination becomes a problem; you might be charged full with no reason worries.
The road to happiness is long and full of obstacles, but a lot of our main reasons for bitterness and preoccupations, come from our minds. It’s easier and better to walk that road light, free of useless weight, and thinking a lot about the future doesn’t allow us to enjoy the things and moments we have in the present. This is one of the ballast we can liberate from, throw it away and enjoy what you have in front for a change.
miércoles, 27 de agosto de 2008
Daily wealth
The value we give to time, depends on the situation or the deadline we have. There are times when we would give anything for just a few more minutes, hours or days. Ask someone dying and you´ll recognize the real value of time.
But most of the time we use it and waste it as if was endless. As Millôr Fernandes says: “who kills time isn’t an assassin, but it’s committing suicide”.
We usually fail to take advantage of the only wealth we all share. No one can buy, lend, advance or save time. The richest or smartest person has the same time any of us have, but the majority of us doesn’t give the value time deserves. We waste it and undervalue it until we get into a situation where time is what matters most. Only there we begin to value that treasure. Only when we understand that time could disappear without notice, we begin to take full advantage of every minute we own.
Time isn’t productivity either. Taking advantage of time isn’t necessarily to be working, learning, producing or earning. Is just using it for our needs, our plans, or our happiness. Relaxing, sleeping, thinking, contemplating or admiring might be a great way to invest our time, as it is traveling or reading if that’s what we really want.
Every day we wake up with the same 24 hours every body has, and it’s up to ourselves to determine what to do with it. Every day we wake up, open our eyes and get our new daily wealth, and we can invest it, spend it or throw it away. Some days might appear to have only 12 hours if you share it with someone you love, or 36 hours if you are sick in bed, time perception varies depending how good or bad you use it. I would like to live 12 hour days for the rest of my life, it might be something close to happiness, and I would love to die after a 5 hour day.
So, what are you going to do with your time today?
But most of the time we use it and waste it as if was endless. As Millôr Fernandes says: “who kills time isn’t an assassin, but it’s committing suicide”.
We usually fail to take advantage of the only wealth we all share. No one can buy, lend, advance or save time. The richest or smartest person has the same time any of us have, but the majority of us doesn’t give the value time deserves. We waste it and undervalue it until we get into a situation where time is what matters most. Only there we begin to value that treasure. Only when we understand that time could disappear without notice, we begin to take full advantage of every minute we own.
Time isn’t productivity either. Taking advantage of time isn’t necessarily to be working, learning, producing or earning. Is just using it for our needs, our plans, or our happiness. Relaxing, sleeping, thinking, contemplating or admiring might be a great way to invest our time, as it is traveling or reading if that’s what we really want.
Every day we wake up with the same 24 hours every body has, and it’s up to ourselves to determine what to do with it. Every day we wake up, open our eyes and get our new daily wealth, and we can invest it, spend it or throw it away. Some days might appear to have only 12 hours if you share it with someone you love, or 36 hours if you are sick in bed, time perception varies depending how good or bad you use it. I would like to live 12 hour days for the rest of my life, it might be something close to happiness, and I would love to die after a 5 hour day.
So, what are you going to do with your time today?
domingo, 10 de agosto de 2008
Play to win
Play to win is the name of a book I read some years ago. As many great things we read, we agree, and get exited about our own potential, but our minds and our false sense of security doesn’t allow us to act. As I had now clear that I wanted to take control of my life, and live it, I had to act accordingly. Not as I always did, protecting what I had achieved at the moment, but letting things go, in pursuit of bigger dreams I had.
When I was at school, and later at the University, I was a good student. My grades were one of the best, I did well in all classes, I excelled academically. This created a brand for me. A “smart” guy. And smart people do not make mistakes. So every time I had to make decisions, instead of going for the home run, I played it safe, to maintain my brand.
When there was any risk of loosing my smart image, I rather take the secure path. I decided with fear. This is why many smart people remain secure in jobs instead of creating the companies they dream about, this is why many live conservative lives, instead of running to other places or changing careers to follow their dreams, just because we play not to lose, instead of playing to win as it says the book. I don’t know the cause of it, but when there’s a 50/50 probability, we always think the worse option will prevail. It seems universally genetic. So, we avoid any risk. Some of the greatest achievements in the world have been made by people with not much to lose, or by people who took great risks, these are players, and most of us are spectators. We can watch the game of the world if we want, but we can not be spectators in our own life game. At the end, it’s very frustrating if you know you had everything to do what you wanted to do but you waste it.
This principle applies for beginning our projects, inviting somebody we like, buying something we want, investing. Not every time we’ll get the result expected, but we’ll get many of the results desired, and this will make us close o what we dream about.
Many times we feel trapped, with no possibilities to move ahead, without visible exits, but is our decision to chose moving towards what we want, to advance we need to take some risks, as long as some ventures are successful we’ll begin to advance. I finally forgot what people might think about me, and began to advance. It took me a life to make the first step, but the long walk began.
Ps: The name of the book is Play to win, by Larry Wilson
When I was at school, and later at the University, I was a good student. My grades were one of the best, I did well in all classes, I excelled academically. This created a brand for me. A “smart” guy. And smart people do not make mistakes. So every time I had to make decisions, instead of going for the home run, I played it safe, to maintain my brand.
When there was any risk of loosing my smart image, I rather take the secure path. I decided with fear. This is why many smart people remain secure in jobs instead of creating the companies they dream about, this is why many live conservative lives, instead of running to other places or changing careers to follow their dreams, just because we play not to lose, instead of playing to win as it says the book. I don’t know the cause of it, but when there’s a 50/50 probability, we always think the worse option will prevail. It seems universally genetic. So, we avoid any risk. Some of the greatest achievements in the world have been made by people with not much to lose, or by people who took great risks, these are players, and most of us are spectators. We can watch the game of the world if we want, but we can not be spectators in our own life game. At the end, it’s very frustrating if you know you had everything to do what you wanted to do but you waste it.
This principle applies for beginning our projects, inviting somebody we like, buying something we want, investing. Not every time we’ll get the result expected, but we’ll get many of the results desired, and this will make us close o what we dream about.
Many times we feel trapped, with no possibilities to move ahead, without visible exits, but is our decision to chose moving towards what we want, to advance we need to take some risks, as long as some ventures are successful we’ll begin to advance. I finally forgot what people might think about me, and began to advance. It took me a life to make the first step, but the long walk began.
Ps: The name of the book is Play to win, by Larry Wilson
martes, 5 de agosto de 2008
Memento
How easy is to forget. And the worse of it, is that we forget what we want in our life.
We tell ourselves lies that we force us to believe about being happy, but deep inside we know the truth. When something hard or impressive happens, we think about what we are doing, but the next morning we are in automatic mode again.
As hard as my heart attack impacted my life, in a moment, after everything went back to normality, I forgot and turned to the automatic pilot, not deciding where to go in life but letting the waves move me wherever the wind blew.
I was again in the comfort zone, but destiny wouldn’t surrender that easy. A 2 minute, 7,9 magnitude earthquake showed me death in the face again, and tattooed in my mind how fragile life is and how short it could be.
Weeks later, a friend told me crying, that one of her best friends died in a car accident. He always was one of the best students, had changed to a better job and was very happy with a new girlfriend, just planning to get married. Always behaved as correct as he could and did things right. But some drunk guy that ignored a red light thought it was enough time for him, game over.
For me, It was necessary something as strong as dying to make me change my life and take control of it. But the environment we live in, is so powerful and has such influence in our futures that we usually loose control. My incident made a lot of people think. That Monday night I was told many of my friends and family cried for hours. Many couldn’t sleep at all. And not only was because the health problem of a friend or co-worker, but because the fragility of life was demonstrated horrendously in their faces. Death could happen to moms, dads, sons, husbands, girlfriends or even themselves, and clearly nobody lived under that certainty. That night, many made plans, took decisions, began to take control of the wonder of their lives, but a few weeks after, almost all of those remained as plans and decisions, none became actions.
We tell ourselves lies that we force us to believe about being happy, but deep inside we know the truth. When something hard or impressive happens, we think about what we are doing, but the next morning we are in automatic mode again.
As hard as my heart attack impacted my life, in a moment, after everything went back to normality, I forgot and turned to the automatic pilot, not deciding where to go in life but letting the waves move me wherever the wind blew.
I was again in the comfort zone, but destiny wouldn’t surrender that easy. A 2 minute, 7,9 magnitude earthquake showed me death in the face again, and tattooed in my mind how fragile life is and how short it could be.
Weeks later, a friend told me crying, that one of her best friends died in a car accident. He always was one of the best students, had changed to a better job and was very happy with a new girlfriend, just planning to get married. Always behaved as correct as he could and did things right. But some drunk guy that ignored a red light thought it was enough time for him, game over.
For me, It was necessary something as strong as dying to make me change my life and take control of it. But the environment we live in, is so powerful and has such influence in our futures that we usually loose control. My incident made a lot of people think. That Monday night I was told many of my friends and family cried for hours. Many couldn’t sleep at all. And not only was because the health problem of a friend or co-worker, but because the fragility of life was demonstrated horrendously in their faces. Death could happen to moms, dads, sons, husbands, girlfriends or even themselves, and clearly nobody lived under that certainty. That night, many made plans, took decisions, began to take control of the wonder of their lives, but a few weeks after, almost all of those remained as plans and decisions, none became actions.
jueves, 24 de julio de 2008
Breaking the shell
So I decided to be happy. Not to pretend to be happy in front of others, or happy as the western society says you should, but really happy. How should I start then?
How to be happy? money? friends? love? family? god? Let´s see how I understand happiness now. Looks like a two step program: Make yourself happy inside and follow what you desire.
Happiness based on money, as most of us know it, seems temporary, false and only works as a comparative with others. We want things that others have, and when we get them, we are happy. But then, someone gets a newer, faster, more expensive things, so we are unhappy again until we get them. Besides with one exception, there will always be richer people than you, so you´ll never be completely happy if you compare, and surely you´ll always want more. An as I told in a previous post, we own nothing, so a fortune can disappear in seconds, and so would you happiness.
To support happiness in others is a risk too. Friends, a special person, family, they all have their own life and pretty sure you are not the center of it. If you base your life in others, you´ll depend on their time, resources, availability and mood. You can not manipulate people to make you happy. If we have the ability to get happy by ourselves, why beg someone to help us with our happiness? You should be happy, and then share it with others.
God? well, I don´t know the foundations of every religion, but I see a lot of believers not very happy with their lives. I suppose it helps, but there´s something missing.
Fortunately in a given moment, a great book got to my hands. If I had received the book before, maybe I wouldn´t have paid a lot of attention to it, but in that search It was the first sign I was looking for.
After reading it, I concluded that the best way to look for happiness is deciding to, as it does not depend on external factors but only from the inside. When something happens, only you decide how to take it, if it´s good or bad, and most of the time we decide for the latest.
A cliché I know, but I think everything happens for a reason. I understand this now, and I think it´s completely true. Just take as example my heart attack: on monday january 22nd, I would have thought that I didn´t deserve that, I lived fair and healthy, why me? Today I´m grateful for that health incident, as my life changed for good. That year has been the best of my life to date, my happier too.
Sometimes things happen, and appear to be bad, but we might find an explanation for those incidents later. But in the moment we react with anger or deception. If we understand that a flat tire, or heavy rain, or a lost business is for something better in the future, and we believe it, we live calmer. So if we can perceive as good everything that happens to us, nothing external will affect us. We can now only focus on living our lives, and no others lives.
Now, if you had all the money you want, or If your physician told you that you have 3 months left, what would you do? Ok, that´s the next step for happiness. Forget about accumulating and begin to live. Chose Life, as the movie said. I made myself that question and the answer was I wanted to travel to China. Why? I don´t know. It seemed like a different world, it´s eastern culture it´s more spiritual, and their values are different. It just catch my attention. So I made plans to travel and I did it. How satisfying is that?.
My life changed from a single life plan and goal, to smaller short term satisfactions.
Two years ago I had my life completely planned, today I´m just watching the next year but with concrete plans in the short term. I always have in mind that even life is lent, in 50 years or tomorrow might be gone, so I have to use it the best way I can. With this new way to see life I might say, that if I die today, I would die happy, only if I made the plans for what I wanted. It´s enough to fulfill my soul.
How to be happy? money? friends? love? family? god? Let´s see how I understand happiness now. Looks like a two step program: Make yourself happy inside and follow what you desire.
Happiness based on money, as most of us know it, seems temporary, false and only works as a comparative with others. We want things that others have, and when we get them, we are happy. But then, someone gets a newer, faster, more expensive things, so we are unhappy again until we get them. Besides with one exception, there will always be richer people than you, so you´ll never be completely happy if you compare, and surely you´ll always want more. An as I told in a previous post, we own nothing, so a fortune can disappear in seconds, and so would you happiness.
To support happiness in others is a risk too. Friends, a special person, family, they all have their own life and pretty sure you are not the center of it. If you base your life in others, you´ll depend on their time, resources, availability and mood. You can not manipulate people to make you happy. If we have the ability to get happy by ourselves, why beg someone to help us with our happiness? You should be happy, and then share it with others.
God? well, I don´t know the foundations of every religion, but I see a lot of believers not very happy with their lives. I suppose it helps, but there´s something missing.
Fortunately in a given moment, a great book got to my hands. If I had received the book before, maybe I wouldn´t have paid a lot of attention to it, but in that search It was the first sign I was looking for.
After reading it, I concluded that the best way to look for happiness is deciding to, as it does not depend on external factors but only from the inside. When something happens, only you decide how to take it, if it´s good or bad, and most of the time we decide for the latest.
A cliché I know, but I think everything happens for a reason. I understand this now, and I think it´s completely true. Just take as example my heart attack: on monday january 22nd, I would have thought that I didn´t deserve that, I lived fair and healthy, why me? Today I´m grateful for that health incident, as my life changed for good. That year has been the best of my life to date, my happier too.
Sometimes things happen, and appear to be bad, but we might find an explanation for those incidents later. But in the moment we react with anger or deception. If we understand that a flat tire, or heavy rain, or a lost business is for something better in the future, and we believe it, we live calmer. So if we can perceive as good everything that happens to us, nothing external will affect us. We can now only focus on living our lives, and no others lives.
Now, if you had all the money you want, or If your physician told you that you have 3 months left, what would you do? Ok, that´s the next step for happiness. Forget about accumulating and begin to live. Chose Life, as the movie said. I made myself that question and the answer was I wanted to travel to China. Why? I don´t know. It seemed like a different world, it´s eastern culture it´s more spiritual, and their values are different. It just catch my attention. So I made plans to travel and I did it. How satisfying is that?.
My life changed from a single life plan and goal, to smaller short term satisfactions.
Two years ago I had my life completely planned, today I´m just watching the next year but with concrete plans in the short term. I always have in mind that even life is lent, in 50 years or tomorrow might be gone, so I have to use it the best way I can. With this new way to see life I might say, that if I die today, I would die happy, only if I made the plans for what I wanted. It´s enough to fulfill my soul.
lunes, 21 de julio de 2008
A light sparkle
Clues were revealed to me in each thought I had during my recovery. I had a lot of pieces of the puzzle but there was no structure, and I wasn´t sure all the pieces were complete.
One day, in the morning I had everything, and in the afternoon I had nothing. Things, objects, valuables, this might be the reason why every person that has a near death experience becomes more spiritual. Because you understand the hard way and without doubt that money isn´t happiness. A lot of debate about it, and I´ll write one post only with my perception of what money means now, but when I opened my eyes after my health issue, thousands of things went through my mind before money. This meant that I had to change my reason for leaving to date.
Work, save, work more, save more, travel, buy things, go out to places to have fun, buy a house, invest to get more money, to save more, to travel further, to be able to support a family, afford a faster car, maybe some studies, to get a better paid job, to save more, accumulate, accumulate to have. To have what? Nothing, we own nothing. We just own a false sense of confidence, and we live happy with that, as long as we keep our savings, as long as we have a secure number in a bank account. We aren´t aware that one day all of that might disappear, by crime, by health issues, by mistake, by accident, and If our life is just our belongings, life ends there.
When I was already home, recovering physically, one morning I woke up in bed with a stranger aside. Who is she? What are we doing together? Nothing made sense. As I was a complete different person from the guy that went to work that monday january 22nd, we were complete strangers. Nothing in common, no common objectives for the future, no common interests, a lot of problems for the health restrictions, each one worried for it´s own sake, a complete nightmare for her and for me. She had been through the complete incident with me, her family was a great support, but being together was hurting both of us.
I remember that as soon as I was stable and conscious I wrote something to all the people that was worried about me. I wrote "thank you all, because I feel the good energy you are generating towards me, and I think that this energy is the cause for me to be alive". This was true. I never thought I was going to die. Being as fragile as I was I felt supported and loved, I thought It was a dream, and I was near to wake up. I never imagined I had so many friends, real friends, and so many people who loved me. When some one said to me I hope you get well soon, It wasn´t for good manners, I knew they meant it and I´m sure that love and good energy had to do something with my recovery. I never have heard so many I love you´s as I heard that month. And weren´t only from my girlfriend, but from family, friends, peers, people from the current and past jobs, and they all meant it. I remember blurredly a friend from the office saying to me: "I never told you how much I love you, I love you Juanito". Why wait until the people dies? Say "I love you" to the people you love, if you mean it, why not?
The last big clue, was the review of my life. As I wrote before, I wasn´t happy with what I had lived to date. Why? Because I didn´t do what I wanted. Simple. I had plans and I didn´t followed them. I wanted to know places and I never went, I wanted to say things and I never did, I had dreams for the future that I could fulfill but I didn´t. I was the only responsible for not having a better life, nobody else. I was living somebody else´s life, or the american dream´s life, but not mine. As I told one friend, my life was like a plan to built a house. And when I get old, and the house was finally finished I would live happy in the house I had planed and built during my life. What if I died before finishing the house?
With all those clues I decided I wasn´t going to make the same mistakes. It was time to act.
I didn´t see the light at the end of the tunnel that monday, or at least I can´t remember, but some light was illuminating the road to follow.
With the pieces I had I began to make decisions. I had to leave my girlfriend, I became close with family and friends, I began to enjoy every room of the house I built although the complete house wasn´t finished, and valuables became secondary to me. It was time to live for me, It was time to be happy now, It was time to differentiate among all things what were really important and fulfilling. It was time to take control of the life that was to the drift before. I decided to be happy.
One day, in the morning I had everything, and in the afternoon I had nothing. Things, objects, valuables, this might be the reason why every person that has a near death experience becomes more spiritual. Because you understand the hard way and without doubt that money isn´t happiness. A lot of debate about it, and I´ll write one post only with my perception of what money means now, but when I opened my eyes after my health issue, thousands of things went through my mind before money. This meant that I had to change my reason for leaving to date.
Work, save, work more, save more, travel, buy things, go out to places to have fun, buy a house, invest to get more money, to save more, to travel further, to be able to support a family, afford a faster car, maybe some studies, to get a better paid job, to save more, accumulate, accumulate to have. To have what? Nothing, we own nothing. We just own a false sense of confidence, and we live happy with that, as long as we keep our savings, as long as we have a secure number in a bank account. We aren´t aware that one day all of that might disappear, by crime, by health issues, by mistake, by accident, and If our life is just our belongings, life ends there.
When I was already home, recovering physically, one morning I woke up in bed with a stranger aside. Who is she? What are we doing together? Nothing made sense. As I was a complete different person from the guy that went to work that monday january 22nd, we were complete strangers. Nothing in common, no common objectives for the future, no common interests, a lot of problems for the health restrictions, each one worried for it´s own sake, a complete nightmare for her and for me. She had been through the complete incident with me, her family was a great support, but being together was hurting both of us.
I remember that as soon as I was stable and conscious I wrote something to all the people that was worried about me. I wrote "thank you all, because I feel the good energy you are generating towards me, and I think that this energy is the cause for me to be alive". This was true. I never thought I was going to die. Being as fragile as I was I felt supported and loved, I thought It was a dream, and I was near to wake up. I never imagined I had so many friends, real friends, and so many people who loved me. When some one said to me I hope you get well soon, It wasn´t for good manners, I knew they meant it and I´m sure that love and good energy had to do something with my recovery. I never have heard so many I love you´s as I heard that month. And weren´t only from my girlfriend, but from family, friends, peers, people from the current and past jobs, and they all meant it. I remember blurredly a friend from the office saying to me: "I never told you how much I love you, I love you Juanito". Why wait until the people dies? Say "I love you" to the people you love, if you mean it, why not?
The last big clue, was the review of my life. As I wrote before, I wasn´t happy with what I had lived to date. Why? Because I didn´t do what I wanted. Simple. I had plans and I didn´t followed them. I wanted to know places and I never went, I wanted to say things and I never did, I had dreams for the future that I could fulfill but I didn´t. I was the only responsible for not having a better life, nobody else. I was living somebody else´s life, or the american dream´s life, but not mine. As I told one friend, my life was like a plan to built a house. And when I get old, and the house was finally finished I would live happy in the house I had planed and built during my life. What if I died before finishing the house?
With all those clues I decided I wasn´t going to make the same mistakes. It was time to act.
I didn´t see the light at the end of the tunnel that monday, or at least I can´t remember, but some light was illuminating the road to follow.
With the pieces I had I began to make decisions. I had to leave my girlfriend, I became close with family and friends, I began to enjoy every room of the house I built although the complete house wasn´t finished, and valuables became secondary to me. It was time to live for me, It was time to be happy now, It was time to differentiate among all things what were really important and fulfilling. It was time to take control of the life that was to the drift before. I decided to be happy.
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