lunes, 7 de julio de 2008

The after battle

Making decisions and analyzing situations gets rather complicated when there are many variables involved, even if the decision it´s superficial, but when the situation it´s your life, or the life of a loved one, all the unimportant factors disappear and there´s only one thing to care about. Then you get back to the less important issues. The problem is that when you decide with all the variables surrounding you, usually you are not able to differentiate or identify the important from the superficial and the conclusion goes wrong.

For a whole week I lost memory. From monday 9am, the day of the heart attacks to the next saturday 3pm when I almost had a new heart attack I didn´t remembered anything. Nothing about that terrible pain they talked that made me shout and move tremendously, not any compassionate crying face of family or friends, not about any blood transfusion, nor the priest that went to let me go to heaven in peace, nothing.
But when on saturday I felt that same dizziness of the previous monday, and the doctors began the second surgery to open the closed arteries, everything began to work again. All the engines began to move again: memory, thoughts, assumptions, imagination, my mind just woke up.
While I was at surgery, I was awake looking at the screen of my heart´s arteries being moved by the stent installation, but my mind after a holiday week, was busy trying to answer very difficult questions. Why this? why me? why now? what now? what changes? The only thing clear was that nothing was clear, all the rules changed, everything in my mind was a mess.

Before the event, everything was easy, there was a defined path to achieve all the goals I had set, but now, It was like someone has entered and sabotaged those plans inside. Everything upside down, things flying, spilled, broken, just like a battle field after the fiercest battle.
As I understood I was alive and was going to keep that way for sometime, I began to think about other aspects in my life: hey!!! what happened with my job? my girl? family? the money in the bank? well, my opinion about those matters changed completely.

Rules, conditions, goals, we make a living based on rules nobody stated but we all follow, at least the majority. I lived 29 years following those rules: what should we aim for, what is success, how should you live, what things you value most, we secretly share values and live by them. After coming back to life, from 24 minutes in the other side, I realized those rules I followed were not the ones I would like to follow now, why? I just made myself one question. If I had died, would I be satisfied with the 29 years of life that I had? Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo.
I didn´t know why at the specific moment, I just knew I would be very disappointed if I had to review my life at that exact time. I had many plans but achieved none to date, I lived a fair and good life but an empty one, I lived for a better future, but taking for granted life as if I was god.
I didn´t knew exactly what, but something had to change. It´s sad to accept you wasted 29 years, but at least I had a new chance, and now it was time to take advantage of it.

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