lunes, 21 de julio de 2008

A light sparkle

Clues were revealed to me in each thought I had during my recovery. I had a lot of pieces of the puzzle but there was no structure, and I wasn´t sure all the pieces were complete.
One day, in the morning I had everything, and in the afternoon I had nothing. Things, objects, valuables, this might be the reason why every person that has a near death experience becomes more spiritual. Because you understand the hard way and without doubt that money isn´t happiness. A lot of debate about it, and I´ll write one post only with my perception of what money means now, but when I opened my eyes after my health issue, thousands of things went through my mind before money. This meant that I had to change my reason for leaving to date.
Work, save, work more, save more, travel, buy things, go out to places to have fun, buy a house, invest to get more money, to save more, to travel further, to be able to support a family, afford a faster car, maybe some studies, to get a better paid job, to save more, accumulate, accumulate to have. To have what? Nothing, we own nothing. We just own a false sense of confidence, and we live happy with that, as long as we keep our savings, as long as we have a secure number in a bank account. We aren´t aware that one day all of that might disappear, by crime, by health issues, by mistake, by accident, and If our life is just our belongings, life ends there.

When I was already home, recovering physically, one morning I woke up in bed with a stranger aside. Who is she? What are we doing together? Nothing made sense. As I was a complete different person from the guy that went to work that monday january 22nd, we were complete strangers. Nothing in common, no common objectives for the future, no common interests, a lot of problems for the health restrictions, each one worried for it´s own sake, a complete nightmare for her and for me. She had been through the complete incident with me, her family was a great support, but being together was hurting both of us.

I remember that as soon as I was stable and conscious I wrote something to all the people that was worried about me. I wrote "thank you all, because I feel the good energy you are generating towards me, and I think that this energy is the cause for me to be alive". This was true. I never thought I was going to die. Being as fragile as I was I felt supported and loved, I thought It was a dream, and I was near to wake up. I never imagined I had so many friends, real friends, and so many people who loved me. When some one said to me I hope you get well soon, It wasn´t for good manners, I knew they meant it and I´m sure that love and good energy had to do something with my recovery. I never have heard so many I love you´s as I heard that month. And weren´t only from my girlfriend, but from family, friends, peers, people from the current and past jobs, and they all meant it. I remember blurredly a friend from the office saying to me: "I never told you how much I love you, I love you Juanito". Why wait until the people dies? Say "I love you" to the people you love, if you mean it, why not?

The last big clue, was the review of my life. As I wrote before, I wasn´t happy with what I had lived to date. Why? Because I didn´t do what I wanted. Simple. I had plans and I didn´t followed them. I wanted to know places and I never went, I wanted to say things and I never did, I had dreams for the future that I could fulfill but I didn´t. I was the only responsible for not having a better life, nobody else. I was living somebody else´s life, or the american dream´s life, but not mine. As I told one friend, my life was like a plan to built a house. And when I get old, and the house was finally finished I would live happy in the house I had planed and built during my life. What if I died before finishing the house?

With all those clues I decided I wasn´t going to make the same mistakes. It was time to act.
I didn´t see the light at the end of the tunnel that monday, or at least I can´t remember, but some light was illuminating the road to follow.
With the pieces I had I began to make decisions. I had to leave my girlfriend, I became close with family and friends, I began to enjoy every room of the house I built although the complete house wasn´t finished, and valuables became secondary to me. It was time to live for me, It was time to be happy now, It was time to differentiate among all things what were really important and fulfilling. It was time to take control of the life that was to the drift before. I decided to be happy.

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