miércoles, 16 de julio de 2008

Messy baby steps

Have you ever imagined beginning from cero again? With your age, in the moment of your life where you are right now, to lose everything and enter the run of life again with some kind of disadvantage?
I used to think about that when I read stories about people bankrupted, or recoveries after accidents, and I thought it should be very tough. Months learning to do something you didn´t even think about, because was so easy and common. We use to take for granted many things we currently don´t value as we should: health, family, friends, hands, fingers, eyes, senses, rest, free time, and many more. Society has changed the rules, and what we value are the less important things: clothes, makeup, cars, watches, cell phones, just objects. How would your life be without a car? and how would it be with out sight? For which one are you worried for insurance?
After I recovered my life, there were two things I had to start all over again: exercise, as I lost almost 20 pounds in two weeks and got dead tired after walking 20 or 30 steps, and my idea of life. This last issue was hard, harder that I ever thought.
As any baby learning to walk, I fell, I crawled and took clumsy decisions learning to live again.
I woke up with a life that was perfect before, but a life I didn´t recognized as valuable or mine anymore.
I went through a lot of stages in the process, from immortality (If I didn´t die after two heart attacks, why would I die driving at 160Km/h?), to self compassion (If I had a heart attack at 29 living healthy, I won´t live after 40).
For sometime, after analyzing the facts, I decided I would not live after 40, so I wasn´t going to have any kids. Why? If they are going to die early as I did, why be so evil? If you know the time you have left, your life changes radically, I guarantee it. And as I took temporarily that decision, life got messy. This attitude frightened everyone around me, specially my girlfriend. I was losing everything: my mind, my family, my motivations, my happiness, my time.
A certainty in life came as a truth to me after the whole situation: everything in life is lent, so we own nothing.

2 comentarios:

The Anonimous Assistant... jajaja dijo...

"I wasn´t going to have any kids. Why? If they are going to die early as I did, why be so evil?"

How can you know when will you die? Life is so impressive and change so constantly that you can't imagine what could bring the next step you give. I agree with you that you can plan your life and achieve your goals using your tools.

I think, you should live your life as you want, you plan it, you fail, you get your goals... life offers you many different ways to get what you want, and life says " don't waste your time, Just Live".

Children are something that change your life (... a heart attack though) so, why negate that priviledge? Sometimes you don't sleep well at night, but when you hold them in you arms it seems to be that the universe doesn't exist, their sight and smile break you into pieces and fulfill you with happiness... well that's my case.

Evil? evil if you don't let them the chance to live and to share life with you. Oh, and the most important thing: TO BE HAPPY! TOGETHER.

Juan Estrada dijo...

I completely agree with you. At the time I had a conversation with someone who said to me the same thing you wrote. As I wasn´t clear about anything, I made that decision temporarily, but after the conversation I changed my mind.